Chinese Game Show Theory
Folks, I'm happy to announce that starting today my good friend Turner Sparks will begin to contribute to the blog with stories of living, learning, and loving in the People's Republic of China. Apparently the PRC has blocked access to MySpace, so Turner has, well, turned to the depths of the interweb in search of a publisher flying well below the radar of Hu and friends. Correcting his spelling and grammar is now my second full-time job. Here we reprint a classic from his MySpace blog entitled "Chinese Game Show Theory". Enjoy.- Josh
So some lady who works at the local TV station called Suzhou Broadcasting Company (think your local nbc/abc/cbs affiliate) came to my school last week looking for someone to be on a TV game show at her station. It turns out she was looking specifically for foreigners who didn’t speak Chinese so she could put them on this show and attempt to embarrass and make fun of them for not knowing Chinese. Of course the Chinese audience would love this because they think you are a wacko if you don’t speak their language, and they like to laugh at you.
I accepted this challenge gladly knowing that I could make fun of them on their own TV pretty damn easily (Honestly, how hard is to make fun of Chinese people? They're great people, but Short Round didn’t get into Indy’s crew based on his acting skills), and I would have the funniest fucking tape to show of myself on a Chinese game show for the rest of my life. So I arrived at the station roughly fifteen minutes before the show was supposed to start, and you better believe I had a game plan.
First of all, they said we could bring one Chinese interpreter with us in case we didn’t understand something, which is good because I understand on average one word per two minutes of talking. So I found the hottest chick I could find on short notice, asked her if she wanted to be famous, and threw her on the back of my moped (oh yeah, if I hadn’t told you yet the school I teach at bought me one. It was my signing bonus, I am not kidding).
Secondly, they had called me a day before the taping and asked me if I had a Chinese name they could refer to me as because Turner is way too hard for them to say (attempting to pronounce the letter “R” is apparently about as fun as pneumonia). Once again, short notice, I couldn’t think of anything so I quickly blurted out, “yeah, my name is Yao Ming”. Sounded sort of funny at the time, ended up being the best part of the whole show.
Third, like I stated earlier I knew that the point of this was to make fun of me, so I decided that I would be as loud and obnoxious as possible in an attempt to frighten my counterparts into submission. The people I am dealing with are very timid, and if I got out of control they would back down. It is pretty hard to laugh AT someone when they make you feel uneasy and put you on edge (notable exception: Gary Busey. - ed). So pretty much I wanted to have the same effect on them that the wacky/violent alcoholic kid in college has on his frat brothers when he finds a fifth and gets a hold of a power tool or a baseball bat.
Finally, I put myself into the mindset that although tons of Chinese people will be watching this show, I really only care about showing it to my friends once I get home and so I am performing solely for their amusement. This being the case, I decided that every time I didn’t know an answer, or every time I had the opportunity to speak, I would give a shout out to one of my friends. The names I can remember saying into the microphone over the course of the show included: Tyler, Todd, Conway, BK, Stewbaca, Aaron, Ryan, Pat O’Brien, Tommy O’Brien, probably a lot more but I can’t remember.
When I walked into the studio, upon arrival there were already about 150 Chinese people there who would make up the studio audience. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. Check that, I couldn’t believe the gods had smiled down upon me and given me the opportunity to do this, this was going to be amazing.
The studio was bright yellow with all kinds of flashing lights and crazy Chinese characters everywhere. Basically, the studio was exactly what you are imagining. If you have seen either Lost in Translation or that one Chris Farley skit where he goes on the Japanese game show, you know what I am talking about. It was exactly like this.
We had five minutes until the show was to start, but first I had to meet the other contestants. The first was an Italian guy who spoke perfect English and pretty good Chinese, so right away I knew he would win. His first question to me was, “Hey, did you tell them your name was Yao Ming?” After I said yes he said, “Oh ok good, I know they are bringing us here to make fun of us, but I thought they were really getting after you. If you look at your nameplate it says Yao Ming in Chinese characters.”
This was working out better than I had expected. Not only did we get real game show nameplates, but we got real game show booths, real game show skinny microphones, and real game show scoreboards on our booth, just like The Price is Right.
The second contestant was some dude from Canada, not important.
The studio had already split the crowed into three groups, and the idea was to get one section cheering for each contestant. So my crowd was right in front of me and they were about 50-75 students from some local junior high. This proved to be clutch as they were way louder than the random miss-match of people in the other guys sections.
So we got in our contestant booths, and as I set down I realized that they had put our assistants on the other side of the studio, so we couldn’t talk to them during the show unless we “officially” asked for their help. This could be a minor setback.
About a minute before we were to start the show the producer came out and gave his requisite “pump up the crowd” speech. The crowd was pretty dead, and everyone seemed to be nervous (the crowd, the other contestants, even the producer and the host). At this point it dawned on me that everyone in the whole studio was nervous except me. This is when I flipped the switch.
I jump out of my chair in the middle of his speech and start chanting “Yao Ming, Yao Ming, Yao Ming”. They ate it up. The kids started chanting it, and even the crowd who was supposed to be cheering for the other contestants were loving me.
So we start the show. I don’t understand anything as the host is talking a mile a minute, but my first chance to talk comes very early and from what I can tell I am supposed to introduce myself. I say, “What up Aaron Welch and Ryan Rowe, I’m Yao Ming.”
After the introductions they start the first question round and I get an A, B, C, or D multiple choice option on each question. My Chinese partner is sitting on the other side of the room and dependant upon the answer she either holds up 1, 2, 3, or 4, fingers, and I answer accordingly. I feel like Charles Van Doren as I come out of round one in first place.
Round two starts and they have some lady dressed up like Karate Kid come on stage and do Tai Chi (slow martial arts). After she demonstrates we get out of our booths and stand behind her while trying to follow her lead. I jump out of my booth, run to her and greet her with a flying leg kick. When she starts the Tai Chi the other two contestants are trying their hardest to stick with her, while I spend at least sixty percent of the time doing Daniel Son’s finishing move and the remainder doing my best impression of Scott T.W. Howard on top of Style’s Car in Teen Wolf. While the crowd goes bananas I get last place from the judges and drop to second overall.
Through rounds three and four I keep it pretty even, drum up a few more “Yao Ming, Yao Ming” chants and increase the frequency of shout outs as the threat of my time in the spotlight ending draws closer and closer.
By the time round four rolls around the Italian guy is in the lead by a mile, I am comfortably in second and as Brent Musburger would say, “Well Jack Arute, it’s all academic from here.”
For some reason the fourth round involved the judges more than ever, as they evaluated the answers to every multiple choice “fastest finger” question. At one point the Canadian guy actually got 50 points for answering “C” when the correct answer was “A”. I am still baffled to this day.
When the show ended, they called all of us up to the center of the stage and elicited one last cheer for my performance (which sounded something like this, “blah blah blah, ching chang chong ting tang tong Yao Ming”). I pose and flex while the audience goes bonkers.
They give the Italian guy a huge Chinese instrument, end the show, and then off the air hook me up with a “thanks for playing” parting gift, which is a smaller Chinese instrument.
Originally published September, 2004. Turner Sparks has been living in China since August of 2004. He can now speak Chinese and has dated a number lunatic women.
